January 19, 2015 10 Comments
I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve made a real update to this page. What an I say? Burnout happens. While I do like discussing the virtue of a childfree life, I can’t talk about it all the time like the sort of parents who drone on and on about their kids. I’ve got way too much going on in my life to just talk about one subject all the time, so I can’t really do that.
And business happens, too. I know no one is interested in my excuses, but I’ve been doing quite a lot in my life lately. I’ve been working on several art projects, working on my own, admittedly small, contribution to culture. And I’ve been in college, you know, doing what people often do when they want to actually make something of themselves.
It occurs to me that, if I was a stay-at-home mom, wouldn’t have the problem. In between sharing Facebook posts about how I’m too busy to clean house, cook, bathe, or put clothes on the kids (you’ve seen that post too, right?), or writing passive-aggressive Facebook posts about how rude it is to ask me what I do all day, all without giving an actual answer, I’d really have nothing better to do than blog. If course, I’d just be doing a mommy-blog then, only venturing to childfree blogs to lash out and project my insecurities onto the cool kids.
But today, I’m feeling inspired to write. I was reminded why childfree blogs are so important. Society tells women that they must breed or they’ll never be happy, and must have a man or they’ll never be happy. And so on. Apart from being demonstrably untrue, it’s an incredibly unhealthy way to think. The reality of parenting life, that it isn’t needed, is easily avoidable, won’t guarantee happiness and is more likely to cause unhappiness, and just generally isn’t the fairy tale fantasy it’s portrayed as by the media and by everyday liars, all seems like it should be painfully obvious to anyone who has ever met a parent at any time in their life, or is capable of critical thinking at all. And yet, there are still people who fall into the trap.
Now, that’s not to say that there are no people who are happy as parents, but it’s important not to forget the bitterness and regret caused to those who go into it while buying into toxic fantasies, ignorant of the realities. Those are the ones who feel a need to lash out at chidfree folk, and even concoct electorate fantasies of karmic revenge for those who did not fall victim to the same cycle, those who are not company in the misery. There’s not anything short of a condom and a time machine that can safe those people, sadly. But with increased visibility of childfreedom, other people can avoid making the mistakes of those who bred and regret it.
The reminder came in the form of a comment recently received on this blog. It should be noted that it was a comment on the “lingo” page, which had nothing really to do with anything on the lingo page, which more or less confirms that the mombie just wanted to lash out and settled for the first place she moseyed into. The comment was this:
“I think people who don’t want kids should definitely NOT have kids. I don’t think anybody really gives a crap if the self-proclaimed “childfree” remain so for the rest of their lives.
The only thing I care about is the possibility that young women have been duped by various political agendas (alleged overpopulation, radical feminism) that have left them convinced that opting out of parenthood is somehow the socially responsible thing to do. As to “childfree” men, most of them outgrow that attitude by the time they get into their 40s; finally secure in their finances and having matured beyond their fears, even the most reluctant of these guys are finally looking forward to fatherhood. Sadly for many women who’ve forged a “childfree” life with these men, the men are free to seek a younger partner in order to start a family, leaving their former partner-in-childlessness behind.”
I have to admit that, at first, I mocked this comment. I mean, it is hilariously stupid and honestly just a desperate attempt to make the mombie feel better about her lot in life, what she’s done to herself. But then I thought about it a bit more, and decided that, while I still think this person is a hilarious moron, I really just feel sorry for her. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to write that?
- There’s the fact that it’s written at all. This person had an axe to grind and just settled for a page that was related to childfreedom, despite the content of the comment having nothing really to do with the content of the post.
- She’s convinced that childfree women are “duped.” This makes no sense whatsoever, given that all messages at all times are “Follow the life script! Breed!” Now, it could be possible that her behavior is like that of a Christian fundimentalist in America, those who like to pretend that Christias are persecuted by the mere existence of other religions or (god forbid) atheism, as such fantasies suit their egos, allow them to feel like wronged victims and heroic crusaders. But I find it more likely that she is duped, as is what actually happens, sadly, to many young men and women who follow the life script without really thinking things through, and is merely projecting. I mean, why would she want to admit that she’s duped?
- Hilariously, in order to maintain her make-believe that she isn’t duped, despite obviously being quite bitter about her life, she has to actually be in denial about simple objective facts. For one thing, she has to deny the existence of childfree men, even going so far as to put “childfree” in quotation marks when referring to men. And she even has to deny overpopulation, as if completely incapable of simple counting. She even has to deny that women are people, as the meaning of “feminism” is simply “gender equality.”
- Then there’s the little karmic revenge fantasy. She has to imagine that childfree relationships are just doomed to fail by nature, and that men, will leave childfree women, to find women to breed with. Now, this is obviously just pulled right out of the mombie’s ass. Now, I’ve already discussed the ridiculousness of pretending that childfree men somehow don’t exist, and I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that if a man is really going to leave a woman for a younger woman, it’s probably because he wants someone whose body wasn’t ravaged by childbirth, but never-mind that. The fact that she has this little fantasy says a lot. She has to imagine that nature will somehow get back at the people she’s jealous of, so that she can feel vindicated. And she doesn’t really care that it’s not true, otherwise she would have done some actual research.
- What really makes me pity her though is the way she was duped. She thinks that the value of a woman is in having a man, and she thinks the value of having kids is appeasing one (which really, would be a terrible reason to create new people even if it was true, so I really feel sorry for her kids.) Obviously, no one with an ounce of self-esteem would ever believe such nonsense. Obviously, relationships are not needed for happiness. And obviously, real relationships worth having aren’t so pathetically shallow (how awful does her relationship have to be if her husband would leave her if she didn’t breed, and she’s so desperate to keep him that considers that to be a good enough reason to do it? Could such an arrangement where no one considers the other fully human even be considered a relationship at all?)
As annoying as our troll is, it’s important to remember that she is a victim of the toxic, false, and misogynist messages that breeding is needed to be happy, only to realize after it was too late that the reality isn’t whatever it was she fantasized, causing her to want to lash out here, in, ironically, a rather childish fashion. This is a miserable person in her own personal hell, and it’s not quite satisfying to kick someone when they’re already down – surely nothing anyone can say could make her life worse. And what she needs is not being fed here, but counseling to come to terms with her life and maybe learn to actually like herself.
And so I write this post not for her, but for you, dear reader. Look at the bitterness of this poor mom. It’s so pathetic I’m almost tempted to wonder if it’s just an example of Poe’s law; it just seems like such a self-parody. Clearly, breeding has not brought her the happiness or the relationship that she was duped into thinking it was, and she’s not able to deal with it. Consider her existence a warning: DON’T BE THAT MOM. Stay childfree.
Edit: She keeps leaving more comments, apparently trying very hard to have a fight. She’s desperate not only for attention, but something eventful. Her life must be painfully dull.